Dressing Rooms

I’m struggling with feeling alone. I pick up for phone every few minutes, scrolling through my contacts, trying to think of someone I could talk to. So far, all I have came up with was the suicide text hotline– I’m not suicidal. 

I have no close relationships. I have no girlfriends to turn to. I don’t even have family I can talk to. 

So I rely on anonymous online people to read my briefly written complaints and give me vague advice on what to do. 

I only have a couple months left until the baby comes and every day that I mark off the calendar is one last day I get to be alone with my partner. I don’t care about anything else. I just want quality time with him before our bundle of love and spitup comes barreling out of me and in between us. 

I miss being a size 0. I miss being able to slip into any piece of lingerie and feeling stunning, and more importantly, wanted. 

I’ve tried so hard the past week or so to crank up my confidence. I went out and got this organic and vegan body scrub to boost my “glow.” I started experimenting curling my hair, pinning it in new ways. I’ve spent time grooming myself, making sure my eyebrows are done, I stopped biting my nails, I use coconut oil on my skin every day….

I went out to buy new lingerie from Victoria’s Secret because I thought, for some reason, that I could feel better about myself and be able to make him lose his breath like I used to. I was even able to hold my head high past all of the skinny – NOT pregnant- girls. I picked up three wraps and bras that I was so confident would boost my self-esteem. I must have cried for 15 minutes in the dressing room. I left the store with perfume because I didn’t want to leave empty handed. I don’t even know if he likes the perfume. 
And right now all of that is hitting me and I’m having a really hard time. I’m breaking into little pieces. My heart really hurts. And I have no one to talk to.