Alright, so life has been better. I’ve moved past the sad episode and have been feeling a LOT better.
We started Lamaze classes 3 weeks ago. I LOVE lamaze. It’s so fun discussing birth and learning about it. I’ve always been super fascinated by pregnancy and birth in general.
I’ve also been so focused on planning and executing our baby shower, which finally came and went this weekend. I wish that I had taken more pictures now, looking back. My SIL and MIL did an excellent job planning and decorating!
We had a lot of people show up, mostly on my SO’s side. Tons of games, cupcakes, and gifts! Although I have to say, my favorite part was the onesie tie-dying station we set up.
She’s going to be the snazziest hippie baby of all time!
My SIL made her a quilt with a rainbow backing (she’s our rainbow baby)
And she received two other handmade knitted blankets ❤️
loset is ready to go with all of her clothes washed! I bought her stroller system yesterday, which was the last big item we needed.
Today I'm going to be washing and stuffing her cloth diapers. They are TOO DAMN CUTE.
e weeks until due date!
I'm so excited to meet her. That's what keeps me moving through the stress and tough times.
I’m struggling with feeling alone. I pick up for phone every few minutes, scrolling through my contacts, trying to think of someone I could talk to. So far, all I have came up with was the suicide text hotline– I’m not suicidal.
I have no close relationships. I have no girlfriends to turn to. I don’t even have family I can talk to.
So I rely on anonymous online people to read my briefly written complaints and give me vague advice on what to do.
I only have a couple months left until the baby comes and every day that I mark off the calendar is one last day I get to be alone with my partner. I don’t care about anything else. I just want quality time with him before our bundle of love and spitup comes barreling out of me and in between us.
I miss being a size 0. I miss being able to slip into any piece of lingerie and feeling stunning, and more importantly, wanted.
I’ve tried so hard the past week or so to crank up my confidence. I went out and got this organic and vegan body scrub to boost my “glow.” I started experimenting curling my hair, pinning it in new ways. I’ve spent time grooming myself, making sure my eyebrows are done, I stopped biting my nails, I use coconut oil on my skin every day….
I went out to buy new lingerie from Victoria’s Secret because I thought, for some reason, that I could feel better about myself and be able to make him lose his breath like I used to. I was even able to hold my head high past all of the skinny – NOT pregnant- girls. I picked up three wraps and bras that I was so confident would boost my self-esteem. I must have cried for 15 minutes in the dressing room. I left the store with perfume because I didn’t want to leave empty handed. I don’t even know if he likes the perfume.
And right now all of that is hitting me and I’m having a really hard time. I’m breaking into little pieces. My heart really hurts. And I have no one to talk to.
Depressive episodes suck. The past couple of days have extra sucked, for some reason. I’m sure it’s mostly my hormones going nuts on me. In the past, I surely would have given in to self-harm by now. But I rode through the waves of crying spells and feelings of loneliness. No self-harm here!
I had my first physical therapy appointment yesterday. It definitely helped a lot. I’ll be going regularly now (hopefully).
This morning, bub and I are taking some time to relax
This is our morning playtime 🙂 Just a few more weeks until we get to meet her!
October seems to bring a lot of mixed emotions for me… it’s my favorite season, mixed with my favorite holiday. The leaves are turning, the nights are getting shorter and John Carpenter movies are on every night.
But then comes the depression and anxiety. My childhood abuser’s 50th birthday is on October 9th. It has nothing to do with me, but something about his birthday is unsettling to me. It really bothers me.
Maybe it’s not just his birthday? During the first couple weeks of October of 2010, I was clinging to threads of sanity as I attempted to take my own life. It disappoints me that 7 years later, I’m still affected by it. I’m disappointed that 13 years later, my molestation still bothers me.
It’s been loud lately. It sounds like a restaurant in my head. I get urges to self harm- though I haven’t actually come close to it. The whole pregnancy thing has deterred me from any self-destructive behavior. She comes first, period. It’s not just my body anymore…
That gets to me, too. It’s not just my body. Something about that is triggering to me. I’m sharing my body with a completely separate human and she depends on me to be healthy.
I wish there were more blogs or forums about mothers with DID/ PTSD and the like. I’d be interested to read about their experiences, too.