October and Shared Bodies

October seems to bring a lot of mixed emotions for me… it’s my favorite season, mixed with my favorite holiday. The leaves are turning, the nights are getting shorter and John Carpenter movies are on every night.

But then comes the depression and anxiety. My childhood abuser’s 50th birthday is on October 9th. It has nothing to do with me, but something about his birthday is unsettling to me. It really bothers me.

Maybe it’s not just his birthday? During the first couple weeks of October of 2010, I was clinging to threads of sanity as I attempted to take my own life. It disappoints me that 7 years later, I’m still affected by it. I’m disappointed that 13 years later, my molestation still bothers me.

It’s been loud lately. It sounds like a restaurant in my head. I get urges to self harm- though I haven’t actually come close to it. The whole pregnancy thing has deterred me from any self-destructive behavior. She comes first, period. It’s not just my body anymore…

That gets to me, too. It’s not just my body. Something about that is triggering to me. I’m sharing my body with a completely separate human and she depends on me to be healthy.

I wish there were more blogs or forums about mothers with DID/ PTSD and the like. I’d be interested to read about their experiences, too.