Dressing Rooms

I’m struggling with feeling alone. I pick up for phone every few minutes, scrolling through my contacts, trying to think of someone I could talk to. So far, all I have came up with was the suicide text hotline– I’m not suicidal. 

I have no close relationships. I have no girlfriends to turn to. I don’t even have family I can talk to. 

So I rely on anonymous online people to read my briefly written complaints and give me vague advice on what to do. 

I only have a couple months left until the baby comes and every day that I mark off the calendar is one last day I get to be alone with my partner. I don’t care about anything else. I just want quality time with him before our bundle of love and spitup comes barreling out of me and in between us. 

I miss being a size 0. I miss being able to slip into any piece of lingerie and feeling stunning, and more importantly, wanted. 

I’ve tried so hard the past week or so to crank up my confidence. I went out and got this organic and vegan body scrub to boost my “glow.” I started experimenting curling my hair, pinning it in new ways. I’ve spent time grooming myself, making sure my eyebrows are done, I stopped biting my nails, I use coconut oil on my skin every day….

I went out to buy new lingerie from Victoria’s Secret because I thought, for some reason, that I could feel better about myself and be able to make him lose his breath like I used to. I was even able to hold my head high past all of the skinny – NOT pregnant- girls. I picked up three wraps and bras that I was so confident would boost my self-esteem. I must have cried for 15 minutes in the dressing room. I left the store with perfume because I didn’t want to leave empty handed. I don’t even know if he likes the perfume. 
And right now all of that is hitting me and I’m having a really hard time. I’m breaking into little pieces. My heart really hurts. And I have no one to talk to. 

Advertisements

Flopsy 

Depressive episodes suck. The past couple of days have extra sucked, for some reason. I’m sure it’s mostly my hormones going nuts on me. In the past, I surely would have given in to self-harm by now. But I rode through the waves of crying spells and feelings of loneliness. No self-harm here!

I had my first physical therapy appointment yesterday. It definitely helped a lot. I’ll be going regularly now (hopefully). 

This morning, bub and I are taking some time to relax


This is our morning playtime 🙂 Just a few more weeks until we get to meet her!

Crashing 

crash

I was in a car accident one week ago. I was leaving work, was at an intersection, and I felt the sudden jolt of my car jumping forward, crashing into the car in front of me, then being rear-ended a second time. I did a quick assessment of my body. It seemed okay. I nervously pulled over to the side, stepped out of the car and immediately felt my stomach contracting. Luckily, there was a police officer driving behind the lady who hit me. 

I waved my hand and told her that I was pregnant and needed a paramedic. After we all exchanged information and such, I drove myself down the street to the hospital. My boyfriend met me there. I was sent to Labor and Delivery to be checked out. Adrenaline was still pumping through my body, so the effects of the accident were still setting in. 

After a few hours on the monitor, we had a full ultrasound down and the baby was perfectly healthy. The technician even told us that she had a cute nose. She was moving around, kicking happily away. I was discharged and went home. 

The next morning, however, my neck and back were killing me. I’m a behavioral therapist and I work with little kiddos. So especially since my accident last week, I can’t work. It is almost physically impossible. 

I start disability this coming Monday. 

fear

Meanwhile, my anxiety is relentless. When I’m away from my boyfriend, I can’t help but worry if he’s okay, if he’s been in an accident, if he’s dying. I’m actually terrified of losing him. I’m scared of something happening to me. 

I want my baby here so I can hold her and make sure she’s okay. I’m scared of something happening to her before she’s born. 

I’m getting anxiety attacks more frequently.  My emotions are all over the place and I burst into tears at the drop of a hat. The only moments when I feel okay and able to breathe are when all three of us are together. 

I think I’m feeling residual anxiety from the accident, too. A car came to a stop behind me this morning and I braced myself and screamed a little. I’m on edge. It wasn’t even THAT bad of an accident. But it was my first one, ever. 

50

My abuser turned 50 on Monday. My grandmother (who is my mom, really, since she raised me) and my aunt (abusers mother) went to his 50th birthday party. Who even attended his birthday? I have no fucking clue. 

I went over to my grandmas house yesterday to go shopping for a baby present since she won’t be here for the shower next month. The party favors were on the table. My grandma knows about the abuse. 

It really aggravated me to see them on the table. He just gets to go on living with no repercussion. 

I think I’ll go to sleep now

PS- there was a highlight of my weekend, though. BF and I went to an NFL game this past Sunday. It was my first NFL game ever, so that was really fun actually. I really enjoyed being a part of something that he’s so passionate about.