Fuzzy Buns

Alright, so life has been better. I’ve moved past the sad episode and have been feeling a LOT better.

We started Lamaze classes 3 weeks ago. I LOVE lamaze. It’s so fun discussing birth and learning about it. I’ve always been super fascinated by pregnancy and birth in general.

I’ve also been so focused on planning and executing our baby shower, which finally came and went this weekend. I wish that I had taken more pictures now, looking back. My SIL and MIL did an excellent job planning and decorating!

We had a lot of people show up, mostly on my SO’s side. Tons of games, cupcakes, and gifts! Although I have to say, my favorite part was the onesie tie-dying station we set up.

She’s going to be the snazziest hippie baby of all time!

My SIL made her a quilt with a rainbow backing (she’s our rainbow baby)

And she received two other handmade knitted blankets ❤️

loset is ready to go with all of her clothes washed! I bought her stroller system yesterday, which was the last big item we needed.

Today I'm going to be washing and stuffing her cloth diapers. They are TOO DAMN CUTE.

e weeks until due date!

I'm so excited to meet her. That's what keeps me moving through the stress and tough times.

Dressing Rooms

I’m struggling with feeling alone. I pick up for phone every few minutes, scrolling through my contacts, trying to think of someone I could talk to. So far, all I have came up with was the suicide text hotline– I’m not suicidal. 

I have no close relationships. I have no girlfriends to turn to. I don’t even have family I can talk to. 

So I rely on anonymous online people to read my briefly written complaints and give me vague advice on what to do. 

I only have a couple months left until the baby comes and every day that I mark off the calendar is one last day I get to be alone with my partner. I don’t care about anything else. I just want quality time with him before our bundle of love and spitup comes barreling out of me and in between us. 

I miss being a size 0. I miss being able to slip into any piece of lingerie and feeling stunning, and more importantly, wanted. 

I’ve tried so hard the past week or so to crank up my confidence. I went out and got this organic and vegan body scrub to boost my “glow.” I started experimenting curling my hair, pinning it in new ways. I’ve spent time grooming myself, making sure my eyebrows are done, I stopped biting my nails, I use coconut oil on my skin every day….

I went out to buy new lingerie from Victoria’s Secret because I thought, for some reason, that I could feel better about myself and be able to make him lose his breath like I used to. I was even able to hold my head high past all of the skinny – NOT pregnant- girls. I picked up three wraps and bras that I was so confident would boost my self-esteem. I must have cried for 15 minutes in the dressing room. I left the store with perfume because I didn’t want to leave empty handed. I don’t even know if he likes the perfume. 
And right now all of that is hitting me and I’m having a really hard time. I’m breaking into little pieces. My heart really hurts. And I have no one to talk to. 


Depressive episodes suck. The past couple of days have extra sucked, for some reason. I’m sure it’s mostly my hormones going nuts on me. In the past, I surely would have given in to self-harm by now. But I rode through the waves of crying spells and feelings of loneliness. No self-harm here!

I had my first physical therapy appointment yesterday. It definitely helped a lot. I’ll be going regularly now (hopefully). 

This morning, bub and I are taking some time to relax

This is our morning playtime 🙂 Just a few more weeks until we get to meet her!

I hate feeling like this. 

I just want to disappear. I want to melt into the bedsheets and be forgotten. 

I don’t want anyone walking into the bedroom. I don’t want anyone asking if I’m okay. 

It doesn’t leave. 

Day 14- 30 Day Blog Challenge

So I skipped days 5-13. Life started happening *shrugs*

14. A problem you have or have had in the past. 

I’ve had loads of problems. But a few of my current problems include:

  • having my belly button touched
  • not being able to finish cans of soda
  • taking the tops of off Tapatio bottles and/or hot sauce bottles and losing the tops
  • open packages, cereal boxes for example, neatly like a civilized person. 
  • keeping my car insurance up to date
  • worrying too much
  • accepting care and help from people
  • opening gifts in front of others
  • pregnancy related problems, like not being to breathe, pulling myself out of bed, and congestion 



I was in a car accident one week ago. I was leaving work, was at an intersection, and I felt the sudden jolt of my car jumping forward, crashing into the car in front of me, then being rear-ended a second time. I did a quick assessment of my body. It seemed okay. I nervously pulled over to the side, stepped out of the car and immediately felt my stomach contracting. Luckily, there was a police officer driving behind the lady who hit me. 

I waved my hand and told her that I was pregnant and needed a paramedic. After we all exchanged information and such, I drove myself down the street to the hospital. My boyfriend met me there. I was sent to Labor and Delivery to be checked out. Adrenaline was still pumping through my body, so the effects of the accident were still setting in. 

After a few hours on the monitor, we had a full ultrasound down and the baby was perfectly healthy. The technician even told us that she had a cute nose. She was moving around, kicking happily away. I was discharged and went home. 

The next morning, however, my neck and back were killing me. I’m a behavioral therapist and I work with little kiddos. So especially since my accident last week, I can’t work. It is almost physically impossible. 

I start disability this coming Monday. 


Meanwhile, my anxiety is relentless. When I’m away from my boyfriend, I can’t help but worry if he’s okay, if he’s been in an accident, if he’s dying. I’m actually terrified of losing him. I’m scared of something happening to me. 

I want my baby here so I can hold her and make sure she’s okay. I’m scared of something happening to her before she’s born. 

I’m getting anxiety attacks more frequently.  My emotions are all over the place and I burst into tears at the drop of a hat. The only moments when I feel okay and able to breathe are when all three of us are together. 

I think I’m feeling residual anxiety from the accident, too. A car came to a stop behind me this morning and I braced myself and screamed a little. I’m on edge. It wasn’t even THAT bad of an accident. But it was my first one, ever. 


My abuser turned 50 on Monday. My grandmother (who is my mom, really, since she raised me) and my aunt (abusers mother) went to his 50th birthday party. Who even attended his birthday? I have no fucking clue. 

I went over to my grandmas house yesterday to go shopping for a baby present since she won’t be here for the shower next month. The party favors were on the table. My grandma knows about the abuse. 

It really aggravated me to see them on the table. He just gets to go on living with no repercussion. 

I think I’ll go to sleep now

PS- there was a highlight of my weekend, though. BF and I went to an NFL game this past Sunday. It was my first NFL game ever, so that was really fun actually. I really enjoyed being a part of something that he’s so passionate about. 

Day 4- 30 Day Blog Challenge

Day 4- List your top 5 pet peeves

1. Modern feminism is my number one pet peeve. I absolutely loathe what feminism has become and what it has been attached to. Our mantra, as women, should be “I am Woman; hear me roar.” But sadly it’s become, “I am Woman; hear me whine.” There are too many double standards. Feminism is supposed to be about equality. There’s nothing equal about putting men down and shaming them like animals. Feminists who complain about the “wage gap” because they are regurgitating what they’ve heard on Buzzfeed. It’s fucking moronic. Do your own research. It makes my skin crawl. And while I’m on this rant, I’m also going to lump in SJWs here. Sense of entitlement just drips off of these “human rights” thumpers.

Well, I have an unpopular opinion. So I should stop here.

However, let it be known that I am ALL FOR women’s rights. I’m for men’s rights. I consider myself to be a liberal.

2. When my dog licks his paws incessantly.

3. Slow drivers.

4. Girls who dumb themselves down and use the word “like” as a filler.

5. People who replace “R” with “W.” I’m sorry if that makes me a terrible person 😦 but it really irritates me. It’s my own character flaw!

October and Shared Bodies

October seems to bring a lot of mixed emotions for me… it’s my favorite season, mixed with my favorite holiday. The leaves are turning, the nights are getting shorter and John Carpenter movies are on every night.

But then comes the depression and anxiety. My childhood abuser’s 50th birthday is on October 9th. It has nothing to do with me, but something about his birthday is unsettling to me. It really bothers me.

Maybe it’s not just his birthday? During the first couple weeks of October of 2010, I was clinging to threads of sanity as I attempted to take my own life. It disappoints me that 7 years later, I’m still affected by it. I’m disappointed that 13 years later, my molestation still bothers me.

It’s been loud lately. It sounds like a restaurant in my head. I get urges to self harm- though I haven’t actually come close to it. The whole pregnancy thing has deterred me from any self-destructive behavior. She comes first, period. It’s not just my body anymore…

That gets to me, too. It’s not just my body. Something about that is triggering to me. I’m sharing my body with a completely separate human and she depends on me to be healthy.

I wish there were more blogs or forums about mothers with DID/ PTSD and the like. I’d be interested to read about their experiences, too.

Day 1, 2, 3- 30 Day Blog Challenge

I haven’t done one of these in AGES, and it seems fitting to do, to get back in the groove of writing. 

Bam. Who else wants to join me?

Day 1- I write poetry, or sometimes I write about myself selfishly. Exhibit A. I write because writing is cathartic and I like how words smoosh and sound together. I write anywhere… in bed, on the floor, on a table. Much like sex. 

Day 2- I guess I could just post my zodiac description, which is scarily accurate. I’m an Aries. But to sum up, I’m passionate, creative, outgoing, loving, overly-caring, maternal and super quirky. Sometimes I’m impulsive (okay a lot of the time), impatient, quick to jump to conclusions, a hypochondriac, sometimes selfish, and too trusting. I do generally think my heart is in the right place. 

Day 3- my current relationship is loving, patient, silly, confident, non-judgmental, accepting, honest, sincere, and determined. I fell in love with a musician. Go figure. A touring musician, mind you. It scares me. It scares me to move my entire life and my new family to a different state. It scares me to think that if his band really picks up, he could be touring for 3-4 consecutive months. But I’m grateful for the trust between us. 


New start. 

I wanted to continue blogging but I feel like my old blog was just so cluttered and no longer reflected my progress or current state of mind. Plus, new chapters are opening up in my life that I’d like to document and share that I don’t necessarily want muddled up with my more recent past. 

If you’re new to my blog, welcome and thanks for reading. I’ve been an avid blogger for a little over two years now. I suppose I’ve been more notably known for blogging about mental health (or lack thereof). My Lazarus and Lithium site was dedicated to reaching out to others who shared my experience with Dissociative Identity Disorder and my original diagnosis of Bipolar I. I’ve made lots of online friends through that and I hope to reconnect here, as well as make new friends. 

And as my blog title reflects, I am indeed expecting a Little One in January of 2018. 

A little girl to be exact. I’ve been waiting for her for a very long time. Years. I’ve always felt my purpose in life was to be a mother. 

As excited as I am, I’m also finding myself to be more scared than I thought I ever would be. My DID has been somewhat dormant for months now. Yet the idea of soon having a little girl in my arms in just 3 months is stirring up wild emotions and symptoms. 

My husband seems to be dealing with a similar fear. He opened up last night about the pressure of becoming a good and protective  father. Parenting has already proven to be a major relationship tester and she’s not even here yet! But we are constantly building our foundation, ensuring that our core is strong and loving. I personally think she’s really smart to have chosen us as parents. 

On top of this, we are also planning on moving across the country after her birth. Talk about stress. At first, I was nervous about it. I was stressed and emotional about leaving my life here. But I’ve since changed my tune and I’m ready to leave. Im ready for the house. I’m ready for seasons and quieter nights. 

Lots of changes.